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Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

by on 2010/05/26

I imagine this was the shortest pitch for a film ever. “Three words: Lesbian. Vampire. Killers…” then a short pause, a few slow blinks …and the financing was secured.

Once you hear the title, you know just about all you need to know about this direct-to-video comedy horror film. From the drippy blood font in the opening credits to the full frontal nudity in the first two frames, what you see in the ensuing film is exactly what the title promises.

To steal a Hacker Renders’ phrase, this film was campy with a capital K and two ii’s – each i dotted with a smiley face and love heart respectively. Good thing I like kampii a whole lot.

Think Superbad meets Hammer horror meets Spice World and you’ve got a pretty sense of what the ride is like.

The story centres on two hapless friends, Jimmy (Mathew Horne) and Fletch (James Corden) who decide they need a vacation from their headed-nowhere-fast lives. Fletch is an unemployed birthday clown who was sacked for punching a misbehaving seven-year-old. Jimmy is depressed and rudderless after his psychotically manipulative girlfriend says goodbye for the fifteenth time.

Jimmy and Fletch drunkenly decide to take a hiking trip – selecting the destination with the throw of a dart at a giant map of the U.K. Their stumbling, beer-laden journey takes them to the village of Cragwich, a pastoral location cursed by an ancient evil.

We discover rather immediately that Jimmy is the great, great, great …um, great grandson of Baron Wolfgang MacLaren the slayer of Carmilla Queen of the Vampires (Silvia Colloca). During her nefarious siege of Cragwich, Carmilla turned all the nubile women into lesbian vampires.

Before Carmilla died, she cursed the townsfolk of Cragwich – dooming generations of their women to turn into lesbian vampires after their 18th birthdays. With Jimmy’s arrival, Carmilla is set to rise again and spread her evil throughout the world.

Overall, this unapologetically silly film was great fun indeed. Amusing performances Horne and Corden as well as ingénue vampire slayer Lotte (MyAnna Buring) and the Vicar (Paul McGann) make this a spot of guilty pleasure for any horror fan.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is stuffed with every horror genre cliché in the book – and in this film, the clichés come clad in push-up bras and hot pants. Armed with a “cock sword” and Durex condoms full of holy water, boozy man child Fletch battles absolutely gorgeous vampires the likes of Eva (Vera Filatova). Helpless Swedish tourists are picked off one by one to join the ranks of the drop-dead undead.

There are definitely less interesting things out there to watch.

* * *

Rated R for language, sexual content and horror violence

86 minutes

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