Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

There are times I fear I live in a boring town.

Ottawa is often called the “town that fun forgot.” I might have agreed with the epithet based on my own years of solid, empirical (boring, boring, boring) research, until I saw Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, an outrageous, riotous, certifiable film shot entirely in the quiet, unassuming city of Ottawa.

The title is the plot synopsis: Jesus Christ Hunts Vampires. Now you’ve got it.

Take Jesus, add a Mexican wrestler named Santos (Jeff Moffet) a jumpsuit-wearing femme fatale Mary Magnum (Mary Moulton), and a whole whack of lesbian vampires — and you’ve got the recipe for some sacrilegious hilarity.

The action begins in a hospital parking lot. A black-clad, blue-pale vampire selects a sturdy nurse for her midnight snack. There’s barely time to wipe the nurse from her undead lips when we are shot straight into the midst a motley cast of Christian crusaders who are bent on stamping out this scourge of vampires — in Ottawa.

Unfortunately, the lesbian vampires have mad kung fu skills (and sharp, bitey teeth) and the priest crusaders need to call out the really big gun: Jesus (Phil Caracas).

So the Christian savior, all flowing robes and long hair, takes a breather from saving lost souls to battle the cold ones. He starts the fight on a pretty piece of Ottawa lake front, getting his holy butt kicked by a crew of sensible-shoe wearing, sneering vampire ladies of sapphos.

Jesus rebounds from his unceremonious defeat, shaving his head, getting pierced and grabbing a skateboard. Then there’s a musical number on Ottawa’s pedestrian concourse Sparks Street …with Jesus. This part alone is worth the price of the film.

In fact, I would venture so far as to say that this may be the best thing that has ever happened on Spark Street ever, and where was I?

Now it should be said that while Jesus battles a city teeming with vampires (and that is awesome), the movie itself is also teeming with bad audio dubbing, wonky camera work and cheesy dialogue all on a crummy B-movie film stock. (Legendary director Ed Wood would have been proud).

Directed by Lee Demarbre and written by Ian Driscoll, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter was made for only $100,000. The infectious, almost giddy enthusiasm of this crazy-bad movie makes it an absolute delight. I will say that there’s really nothing more joyful and hilarious than watching Phil Caracas’s Jesus clothesline a couple of surly atheists in a sunny city park.

Insane. Great.

Mr. Demarbre and Mr. Driscoll, I salute you. Not only did you show me a great time with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter but the thought that such a film could be made in Ottawa, has redeemed the city for me.

See this outstanding Canadian movie.

***

Rated 14A for violence

85 minutes