Vampires Suck (2010)

“Team Jacob, bitch!”

*

Ok, I can’t blame the decision all on my favourite pre-teen Miss_Tree. She asked but I didn’t exactly say no.

So we went and saw Vampires Suck this week with Miss_Tree’s lovely best friend and father in tow. Happily, I was entirely too distracted by my twisting mortification (dragging not only my beloved Miss_Tree but two other innocent people to see this tasteless train wreck) to be permanently harmed by the film’s unrelenting vileness.

This is my first one star review. I am awarding the single star to Rebecca “Becca” Crane (Jenn Proske) who does an accurate, amusing parody of Kristen Stewart’s Bella Swan from Twilight (2008).Proske’s colourless, angst-ridden, sputtering performance was spot on.

It should be said that I’ve loved the idea of vampires since I was nine. I read and reread a Dracula graphic novel until it fell apart. Ever since then I’ve watched everything vampire that I could find.

I was hold out on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer for a long time until I caved and read Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. While not the most scintillating prose I have ever consumed, I do admire Ms. Meyer a great deal for what she’s accomplished. She’s built an empire on a whole lot of stuff not happening. Will Edward ever do more than watch Bella breathe?

Yet, she has me and many, many other readers hooked. (Plus Ms. Meyer has impeccable taste in music).

Besides, it isn’t her fault that every tween and her mother has jumped on the vampire bandwagon.

I do expect to be one of the lonely ones once again when this mass sparkly vampire love-in goes the way of the pet rock.

Vampires Suck is surely a sign that time is nigh.

Even the tweens I shared the theatre with during this grotesque spectacle groaned in the midst of their shocked tittering. My own groan reflex overloaded and blew up during the first 20 minutes.

Unnecessarily gross, mean-spirited and stupid, Vampires Suck also took awkward stabs at things I hold more than dear.  I’ll overlook turning Edward’s manhood into a disco glitterball (which is as terrible as it sounds) but I’ll not conscience the knuckle-dragging Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer making fun of Buffy. That is unforgivable.

Rarely do I wish I could go back in time and wish I hadn’t made the decision to watch a movie.

Mr. Friedberg and Seltzer, I want that 80 minutes of my life back. My darling Miss_Tree and friends, I’m sorry.

I’ll be spending the weekend cleansing the palate with some Buffy Season 8.

*

Rated 14A for epic awfulness