Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)

“Don’t love the ocean too much. It doesn’t love you back.”

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Despite site co-founder protests, to celebrate GeekvsGoth.com’s February romance theme, I bring you my review of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.

Yes, you heard me right.

Faster than you can say “missing the point of February’s romance theme,” a massive shark jumps out of the ocean and eats a fricking plane.

It could happen.

No. I suppose not.

Here’s the deal: A mega shark and a giant octopus are locked in frozen mortal combat in the Arctic ice caps until Global Warming shows up and RUINS EVERYTHING. 

Damn you, Global Warming! First you unleashed the timber wolves in The Day After Tomorrow (2004) and now you’ve unleashed bloody great sea monsters to kill us all.

I think our hero, the forceps-wielding oceanographer Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson), said it best: “Polar ice caps are melting because of our thoughtlessness. Maybe this is our comeuppance.”

Profound, profound words.

Yes, the star of this incredible film is 80s singing sensation Debbie Gibson, warbler of Foolish Beat and Shake Your Love. Her co-star is Lorenzo Lamas, he of the scary tan and Fabio hair. Mega Shark is not only attack of the fake-looking giant sea beasts but attack of the fake-looking 80s superstars.

The other major players of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus are continuity errors, grainy stock footage, actors with speech impediments, and grade-Z extras.

Filmed in a wide variety boiler rooms and basements (maybe two), as well as a few square-feet of beach front, Mega Shark starts with a marine mystery. What happened to the blenderized whale carcass with a shark tooth the size of a human femur bone wedged in it?

This mystery is going to take all the raw mental power of Debbie Gibson’s mind. Her mind. Her brilliant mind. 

But wait, she’s got the help of crack(ed) scientist Lamar Sanders (Sean Lawlor), a quaint, grizzled Irishman. He knows the monster be a Megalodon or prehistoric shark. ‘Yar.

And he also knows “sightings of giant sea monsters (be) common.” It’s a fact. A proven scienticious fact.

Joining this intelligence gauntlet is Dr. Seiji Shimada (Vic Shao) who brings a fake-sounding Japanese accent and a confused frown to the party.

Shark attack scenes filmed in a waveless bathtub (I assume) with plastic battleships and a rubber shark fin ensue. And let’s not forget the floppy, rubber octopus. 

What to do? The plastic plate, I mean, shark fin is coming right at us!

But wait, Debbie Gibson has a plan. Banking on the monsters being “horny,” she and her team of researchers create glow-in-the-dark pheromone bombs to lure the lovelorn giant shark and octopus into the San Francisco and Tokyo bays respectively. That’s right, lure them into huge population centres, Lorenzo and Debbie.

I’ve seen hand puppets scarier than the scenes of the shark’s race to eat yet another battleship and then eventually, the Golden Gate bridge. This prompts the old disaster movie chestnut: “My god, what have we done?”

That’s what Hacker Renders and I were asking ourselves early and often throughout this film. I did miss some of dialogue and key plot points because Hacker Renders kept shouting, “My god, this is so dumb, so incredibly dumb!”

 Oh, who am I kidding? I missed nothing. I did however laugh a lot during Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. About two stars worth, I figure.

I will be checking out Mega Python vs Gatoroid (2011). It has 80s teen singing star Tiffany and Debbie Gibson having a pie fight. And a giant snake.

That I have to see.

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Rated R for mega stupidity

85 minutes