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The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)

by on 2011/05/11

“Oh, please refrain from speaking. I know you must be proud of your beauty-school education, but your constant abuse of profanity is an assault on my Wellingtonian sensibilities.”

* * *

I just finished watching The Haunted World of El Superbeasto. Now the only thing to do is bury the DVD in a lead-lined casket in a pet cemetery with a Santeria goat head on a pike to warn innocents away.

No, I’m serious.

I love Rob Zombie. So much. I have been frequently heard to say that there’s no problem too big that a deafening piece of Rob Zombie’s music can’t solve.

I’ve proven this true many the sad Monday morning.

This May is animation month on GeekvsGoth.com. It was natural, fated even that I must further demonstrate my great love for Mr. Zombie with the purchase of this feature-length animated film which was tucked lovingly away in a Blockbuster delete bin.

It was also fiscally responsible.

To perhaps save you from a knee-deep slog through boobs and severed heads, here’s the overall gist of El Superbeasto. El Superbeasto (Tom Papa) is a Lucha libre-masked celebrity and crime fighter. Ok, crime fighter isn’t entirely accurate. He spends more time eating hot wings, drinking and chasing after wobbly-chested ladies of ill-repute.

It is, in fact, his one-eyed, lovely sister Suzie-X (Sheri Moon Zombie) who is the real crime fighter. This proven early and often when Suzie-X and her love-struck cybernetic side-kick Murray the Robot (Brian Posehn) take on an undead horde of Nazis trying to steal back Hitler’s head.

Meanwhile, El Superbeasto’s back at the strip club falling in leaden-jaw-dropping lust with the main attraction Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson). Unfortunately for Mr. Superbeasto, she’s also the object of super villain Dr. Satan’s desire due to the 666 birthmark on her gigantic posterior.

Dr. Satan sends his mentally-enhanced mountain gorilla Otto (Tom Kenny) to fetch her.

Perched over that fated Blockbuster delete bin, the fact that Paul Giamatti, a man I also adore, voiced the arch-villain Dr. Satan cinched the purchase.

Alas, I now must ask: Mr. Giamatti …you spoke Mordecai Richler dialogue with that mouth? Dr. Satan is a frequently under-clothed, whinging evil genius bent on find his ideal bride. He’s been unlucky so far, marrying more times than Mickey Rooney and Elizabeth Taylor combined. Fortunately for his finances, Dr. Satan prefers cryogenic freezing over divorce.

Unfortunately, oh great and terrible R. Zombie, director, co-writer of El Superbeasto, I can’t offer you a sycophantic rave during this review. Forgive me. However, if you like great jiggling jumblies, this is your animated movie.

In fact, there were more boobs on display during this film Mr. Zombie calls a “R-rated adult/monster/sex comedy” than a meeting of the La Leche League.

But if boobs and severed heads are you thing, walk don’t run to the Blockbuster delete bin of DOOM for your copy. Or you can look for a freshly dug grave with the goat head marker.

I still love you Rob Zombie. …Now to cleanse the brain pan with a little “Demon Speeding.”

* * *

77 minutes

So very, very, very R-rated for all kinds of wrong. Children should not be allowed within 100 yards of the closed DVD case.

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