The Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special (2004)

“I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn’t it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?”

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I spent some formative years living in a trailer. It was a pre-furnished model, all brown and orange furniture with shag carpet. My father was building a large, impractical California-style beach house in the permafrost middle of nowhere.

The trailer was meant to be temporary stop on our way to luxury – California-style.

Turns out, not so much.

Despite my trailer park cred, I haven’t given the Trailer Park Boys much attention. I guess don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I read books and stuff. I’ve never once thrown a beer bottle against a tree to hear what it sounds like.

I’m not really the audience.

But when I saw Trailer Park Boys Christmas Dope & Liquor Edition in a delete bin, I thought it might make a nice addition to our unconventional Christmas marathon.

Nice addition, my frost-bitten foot. I can now say without hesitation – my knuckle-dragging, flannel-wearing, walking brain-stem Grade 9 classmates from rural North Alberta could have created a better Christmas special. With only some smokes, kitten posters, empty boxes and a crowbar.

To be fair to the Christmas Special, I haven’t systematically destroyed my brain cells by watching the whole of the Trailer Park Boys series on Showcase. I am pretty sure that if I had taken that commercial-grade meat tenderizer to my IQ, I would have been more primed for the cuss-word, substance-abusing onslaught that was the Dope and Liquor Edition.

Here’s the plot, if it can be so termed: Julian (John Paul Tremblay), the criminal, portable-home alpha-male, forever carrying his low ball glass of brown liquid, bails Ricky out of jail at Christmastime. Ricky (Robb Wells), with his pomade-coated empty skull, derides the heavens for this terrible turn of events.

Because you see, Virginia, jail at Christmas is a wonderful, magical place. Apparently.

Listen to Ricky’s sweet soliloquy:

“There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no f*ckin’ work chores or book readin’s or Christmas trees or giving gifts or f*ckin’ lights… F*ck all that b*llsh*t!”

Unfortunately, Julian’s got a trailer-park-based criminal empire to run, selling stolen Christmas trees, and the presents he has stolen out of the trucks of unattended car trunks at the mall. He needs man power. Plus Ricky is also necessary man-bait to the cougar white-trash Lucy (Lucy Decoutere) who has been making unwanted amorous advances toward Julian.

Bubbles (Mike Smith) who lives in a shed with a large cat and even larger glasses is sad that his crooked pals don’t understand the true meaning of Christmas. The true meaning of Christmas is building a bonfire in a residential area filled with propane-heated homes.

There’s more. Like smoking weed in a church more …but I feel like I’ve already said too much. Seen too much. Heard the f-word more times than I can reasonably count.

I will say one thing for the Trailer Park Boys. It is naturalistic acting at its finest. I grew up with these people. Ricky, Julian and Bubbles are strangely familiar to me. It is just as bad and real as I remember it.

And these fine folks’ society were fine when drunk or stoned. Sort of. That is perhaps my problem right there.

If you are seeking to feel better about your own substance problems this Christmas, maybe check out this special. Although I suspect you’d be happier with the equally affordable bottle of Crown Royal. It often comes with its own attractive carrying sack, eh?

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47 minutes

Unrated