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Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)

by on 2012/06/11

“We have come to try.”

* *

Man, I loved John Carpenter’s Vampires. It was a western, it was a vampire movie. It was chemically configured to win my fickle heart.

So when I saw Vampires: Los Muertos in a bin, I had to have it. It is called an indirect sequel to the great John Carpenter flick. But unfortunately indirect isn’t really a strong enough word. It is more of a fourth cousin, twice removed. And that cousin is wicked boring and a bit dim.

Yes, it has very, very hard-to-kill vampires covered in filth. Yes, it features tons of industrial-sized stakes on hydraulic wires. Yes, there’s a standoff in a dusty Mexican border town, And yes, it features a rag-tag group of vampire hunters hunting and be hunted by a blood-thirsty group of “suckers.”

But that’s where the similarities end and the problems start. When the strongest actor you’ve got in your film is Jon Bon Jovi, you have very serious problems indeed. Bon Jovi, if that is his real name, never really does more than look sleepy, bemused and then mildly peeved.

I believe Mr. Bon Jovi looked more nonplussed and distressed when confronted by Triumph the Comic Insult Dog than the master vampire in this film.

If this movie gets any stars at all, they are for the villain of the piece, Una (Arly Jover). She’s lithe, she’s pale, she’s kills like a pissed-off praying mantis. She barely utters a word and she’s still better than every last person in this film.

The damsel in distress in this film is awfully cute, fluffy little thing but unfortunately has all the charisma of a stuffed bunny. Zoey played by Natasha Wagner, Natalie Wood’s daughter, has really neat hair and clothes but as an afflicted vampire victim searching for a cure, she’s bored and boring. (I’m sorry).

The rest of the rag-tag band aren’t much better. Marksman slayer Ray (Darius McCrary) and rookie priest Father Rodrigo (Cristián de la Fuente) round out big bowl of bland. All I can say is that I lived in the town they were sent to save, I would start searching my house for a steel scarf.

And so I say, Vampires: Los Muertos is a western vampire film – for Triumph the Comic Insult Dog to poop on.

* *

93 minutes

Rated R for vampire violence, language and brief sexuality

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  1. A Goth’s Month in Review: June 2012 « Geek vs Goth

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