Shoot ’em Up (2007)

“Why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?”

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Oh for the love of…

Fine.

Sometimes, losing a wife and child doesn’t have to be the end! In fact, life can go on. Faster! Exciting! Even more colourful!

Yeah, no. I can’t do this, sorry. Whatever Gru may think of my reviews of terrible videos, they’re not necessarily fun to write and, really, Shoot ’em Up isn’t worth much effort.

It’s a shame in a way, because it would lend itself to some promising concepts for a skewering, for example, a free-form chaos of choppy imagery interspersed with carrots, or a violent limerick stuffed with bawdy puns. Unfortunately, those would only resonate with someone who’d already seen the movie, and I’m hoping instead to steer you away from it, and elsewhere.

Thus begins the first-ever Awards for Shoot ’em Up Alternatives. Highlight the final line in each section to reveal the surprise recipient!

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Kicking it off, in the category of “Interloper Protecting a Child” the nominees are:

• Leon: The Professional
• Shoot ’em Up
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day
• The Transporter

And the loser is . . . Shoot ’em Up!

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“Showdown in Hogtown” is our second category, featuring effective use of Toronto as an action backdrop. Nominees include:

• The Incredible Hulk (2008)
• Scott Pilgrim vs the World
• Shoot ’em Up
• The Silent Partner

And the loser is . . . Shoot ’em Up!

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Next, we have “Bathroom Brawls”. And the nominees are:

• The Boondock Saints
• Casino Royale (2006)
• Eastern Promises
• Shoot ’em Up

And the loser is . . . Shoot ’em Up!

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Skydiving scenes are featured in the “Parachute to Kill” category:

• Goldmember
• Moonraker
• Point Break
• Shoot ’em Up

And the loser is . . . Shoot ’em Up!

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Contenders for “Overall Achievement in Attractive Action” include:

• Desperado
• The Quick and the Dead
• Shoot ’em Up
• Wanted

And the loser is . . . Shoot ’em Up!

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And “Hanging with Paul Giamatti” vehicles we’ve seen include the following:

• American Splendor
• Paycheck
• Saving Private Ryan
• Shoot ’em Up

And the loser is . . . Shoot ’em Up!

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Well, that’s enough of that. Shoot ’em Up has already wasted too much of our time.

Admittedly, I throw around the phrase “sound and fury” a fair bit. It comes in handy with genre pics, but is rarely quite as on the nose as it is with this blender full of barf. I’m confident that it will prove the worst thing I see this month and, with any luck, the rest of the year as well.

Just watch the trailer; it’s better than the twitching stillbirth it’s advertising.

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Rated 18A (Canada) / R (United States

86 minutes