Cosmopolis (2012)

“Talent is more erotic when it’s wasted.”

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It was a very brave creative move on David Cronenberg’s part to make a 14-hour film.

Okay, okay, I know it wasn’t a 14-hour film. That’s only what it felt like.

What was that piece of dialogue from the film again? “Everything is days.” Yes, yes, it was.

I didn’t know much about this movie other than a movie still of Robert Pattinson’s cool alabaster visage graced the cover of World Film Locations. I also knew that it was about a man going to get a haircut.

Robert Pattinson going to get a haircut? I thought that could make a great movie. Okay, maybe that’s not so clear in retrospect.

Robert Pattinson plays Eric Packer, a robotic businessman riding in the back of a stretch limo. Wait, did I get that right? Maybe he was a business roboticman? It was hard to tell.

Mostly, Mr. Packer is a billionaire commodity market baller, drinks low-balls, and has his balls attended to by a medical doctor and attractive women alike. Oh yes, and he eat peanuts and urinates in the limo sink.

Apparently, you can do a whole lot of living, ball-related activities and downward spiralling in a limo. Who knew? I guess I really wouldn’t.

Of all of the characters in the movie, it was the limo that suffered the most terribly. I felt sorry for it. Then I felt a little sorry for myself.

Did I mention my beloved Paul Giamatti (All is Bright) is in this film? I didn’t. He is. He plays a disenfranchised rat man living in squalor, seeking to avenge the underclass, talk about toilet holes and Thai currency …or something.

Juliette Binoche (Blue, Godzilla) is in this as well. So is Samantha Morton (Minority Report, Sweet and Lowdown). Jay Baruchel (Real Time) is too.

I read some lavish praise for the book of the same name by Don DeLillo. David Cronenberg is a great director who has made some films I adore. Robert Pattinson is a talented actor with a symmetrical face and a compelling slow blink (he’s attractive even covered in cream pie).

In the case of this film, the sum is so much less great than the the whole of its parts.

“Talent is much more erotic when it is wasted,” indeed. Except this wasn’t very erotic.

After watching this and Maps to Stars, I can only imagine that a celebrity one percenter maimed or killed everyone and/or everything David Cronenberg ever cared about. I guess those entitled rich and famous folks will do that.

Maps to the Stars, however, is much more worth your time.