Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

“My finger’s in your mouth kitty, but I don’t feel no teeth.”

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All the people involved in the making of Eight Crazy Nights were clearly high.

This Adam Sandler-animated vehicle about the true meaning of Hanukkah and um, forgiveness or something …is just plain drug-drooling, four-scorpion-bowls-in-a-row, dribble-cup insane.

My list of legal exhibits in this case of intoxicated holiday film-making are as follows:

• Davey Stone, the “hero” (voiced by Adam Sandler), proclaims his undying love for and has simulated sex with his car on the first night of Hanukkah. Um, I guess because it is a red car
• Two of the main characters are adenoidal, congenitally tiny fraternal twins – Whitey, a furry, epileptic, club-footed (men’s 11 right foot, children’s 9 left foot) elderly man, and Eleanor, a wig-collecting, bald, dust-buster-wielding spinster (both voiced by Adam Sandler)
• A herd of Good Samaritan deer push the snow-bound Whitey out of the ditch, help Davey hide from the cops, and basically act as the woodland deus ex machina through the film; then they defecate while they laugh joyously, rolling around on the snow
• The Foot Locker logo sings a song about emotions and why it is ok to cry
• Whitey rolls down a hill in a Porta Potty, emerges covered in … you know, I think I blocked this part out …and Davey Stone says the line that was in all the previews, “Smell ya later poopsicle”
• A key recurring character is a woman with three breasts, and she dashes through the um, snow with her frontage waggling asynchronously
• A man eats another’s jock strap
• It was narrated by Rob Schneider who is, in fact, the sanest-sounding voice in the movie. Be afraid
• Eleanor wears a sanitary toilet cover as a necklace at a formal banquet
• How about this holiday lyric?:  “I can’t believe I haven’t killed myself / Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf.”

You know, I actually can’t go on. For me, the best part was Adam Sandler’s great Hanukkah song over the end credits, and the sweet, sweet feeling that the movie was over. I am giving it three stars because Miss_Tree, my favourite pre-teen, thought it was epic. She laughed and laughed. (Please note that I am a very irresponsible adult for showing her Eight Crazy Nights).

Eight Crazy Nights (2002) is your holiday movie on drugs.

Now, as Eleanor tells us in the final line: “Go live happily ever after or I’ll drop-kick the teeth out of your mouth.”

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Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual humor, drinking and brief drug references.

76 minutes