Most Profound Disappointments (2010)

If disappointment means that I wish I could build a time machine and go back to undo the decision I made to see these films, then here are my disappointments of 2010.

Vampires Suck (2010)

“Even the tweens I shared the theatre with during this grotesque spectacle groaned in the midst of their shocked tittering. My own groan reflex overloaded and blew up during the first 20 minutes. Unnecessarily gross, mean-spirited and stupid, Vampires Suck also took awkward stabs at things I hold more than dear. I’ll overlook turning Edward’s manhood into a disco glitterball (which is as terrible as it sounds) but I’ll not conscience the knuckle-dragging Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer making fun of Buffy. That is unforgivable.”

Old Dogs (2009)

“I wanted to see Seth Green cradled in the arms of a mountain gorilla …Seth Green singing “All Out of Love” by Air Supply to said gorilla. It was in all previews. They even put a picture of Seth Green and the gorilla on the cover. Unfortunately, there was very little of either. Further, this tiny insignificant bit was at the end and getting there was …difficult and unpleasant. Robin Williams’ shirtless unpleasant.”

The Road (2009)

The poem that Hacker Renders wrote in a nightmare said it all:

“elegia grays
the chosen pyre burns a way
nightmares ‘fore a change”

I mostly wish we hadn’t decided to watch The Road on Father’s Day weekend.

Blood: The Last Vampire (2009)

“Japanese school girls. Samurai swords. Ancient evil. Vampires. Blood: The Last Vampire has all of the above in heaping helpings. How could it possibly go wrong?

“Based on the anime series of the same name, the film centres on Saya (Gianna), a half-human, half-vampire warrior. We get to watch Saya by turns flee and fight demonic forces. And by demonic forces, I mean the $1 worth of clay and minced-up garbage bag that make up the unforgivably poorly executed stop-motion claymation vampires that pursue them.  50’s Film legend Ray Harryhausen was doing better special effects than Blood’s super demons when grandma was pushing a hoop with a stick (with a stick) for fun.”

Tron (1982)

“While Tron’s appearance lends novelty to a somewhat generic adventure, there is little of substance to recommend this piece.  Its grander ideas seem inadvertent, incidental, or unmined.  As I quipped to the local goth, I felt as if Disney had access to the Library of Alexandria, and used its treasures to build a children’s fort.  I’m not asking for boredom, stodginess, and academia, because movies like The Matrix have found success.  I’m hoping the sequel, Tron Legacy, delivers on its promise.”