Shred (2008)

“We aren’t idiots. We are Max and Eddy. We rule! We rule!”

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Sometimes writing for GeekvsGoth.com means suffering. There are times that I wish I could be doing something, anything else but watching a movie.

For example, Shred made me wish that I knew how to knit.

Because I’d have some knitting needles handy to jab in my eyes.

Here’s the movie synopsis in snowboard-ese: A bunch of awesome boarders shred up the pow-pow in some comps and earn some serious cank.

Boy, I didn’t think I was playing attention that closely.

To translate into English, two alcoholic, misfit snowboarders try to reclaim past glory by coaching a rag-tag group of snowboarders to victory and cash.

I’ve watched enough Disney Channel made-for-TV movies to know the sports underdog formula off by heart. Gang of misfit losers go up against an evil, elite team with a diabolical coach. Misfits face personal setbacks, public derision and sabotage to win fame, fortune and maybe even, true love.

Shred follows this formula exactly. The script even admits it. “Please, a sports cliché? Come on, Eddy!”

The victory rap at the end of this movie, however, was a surprise.

The plot, if I can use that term loosely, is driven by performances from Dave England, stunt performer from Jackass, and Ottawa’s native son Tom Green. Tom Green plays the humourless evil coach and Scooby Doo villain of the piece, Kingsley Brown.

Dave England plays Max Fisher, former snowboarding great and stage 3 alcoholic. Max’s sidekick Eddy (Jason Bothe) are now “washed-up lifties” working at a cut-rate ski resort called Stubby Peaks.

Max and Eddy recruit three young snowboarders Chris (Carlo Marks), Tracy (Amber Borycki) and Juice (Alain Chanoine). In reality, this “plot” connects a disjointed snowboarding footage set to alternative rock songs and plenty of “going down” jokes.

The only believable performance Dave England gave in this movie was when he shot Jack Daniels out of his nose. Tom Green appears to be looking sidelong at the camera with rueful eyes that ask, “Can I have my money now?”

To be fair, I am not the audience for this film. I fear winter sports and don’t drink. If you like footage of topless ladies, people yelling ‘Woooo!,’ snowboarders catching some sweet air this is your film.

With that disclosure out of the way, I must say I really, really hated this movie. Not enough to put out my own eyes though. I need them for later.

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Rated R for boobs, drugs, drinking and self-inflicted retinal damage

98 minutes. 98 minutes! 98! Puff, puff.