Shower of Blood (2004)

Bathtub of boorishness? Dishpan of dreck? Tank of tactlessness? Vat of vapidity?

I’ve been struggling to come up with a more appropriate name for this 2004 vampire film. This is what I have come up with so far.

Sometimes during our labours in support of GeekvsGoth.com, there are movies so painful, so unrelentingly awful, that I whimper as I watch the minutes count down. As I watched this wretched film, time seemed to crawl backwards. In fact, I may have discovered time travel.

We once promised ourselves that if a movie was really bad, we’d keep the review brief.

So here goes.

I am forced to assume the film was made by simply wandering into a local strip club with a fat stack of cash, rounding up all the strippers they could find who spoke English (somewhat), finding the least drunk gentlemen’s club patrons, breaking into a mansion, wheeling in a vat of fake blood – and voila, Dishpan of Dreck was made.

Oh right, I should mention the “plot.” Five college students are on a roadtrip and stop for the night at a relative’s house. We know they are students because one of them has a book and the other vomits on herself a lot. Yep, that checks out.

Please don’t make me relive any more.

In the first few minutes, I knew the movie would merit only a single star unless something remarkable happened like they white-balanced the camera or focused the lens. Sadly, that time never came.

I don’t want this movie to take up any more of my life …so beware Shower of Blood. No, seriously.

*

Rated R for incredibly dull nudity, boring violence and fart jokes