The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)

“All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.”

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I have been a single parent for a really long time. I’ve enjoyed it.

There were times however, when my daughter was a toddler especially, that I felt like I might be losing my grip on grownup-ishness.

One such instance was while watching my very first episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. It was the episode where Mr. Krabs mandates that each Krusty Krab employee make a homemade gift for a colleague. You know, to boost workplace morale.

SpongeBob gives Squidward a sweater made out of his facial hair and in return, Squidward gives SpongeBob a bomb.

It was so funny, I thought I might die. My toddler loved it too, but I needed to ask some bona-fide adults about SpongeBob. So I did. A lot of adults in fact – many of them bemused and slightly frightened by my ranting about how funny it was.

I became a SpongeBob evangelist, telling everyone who would listen to watch, joining the Church of SpongeBob online, then later purchasing every piece of SpongeBob kitsch I could find.

I stopped short of the SpongeBob rectal thermometer. That was too far.

Long story short, I accepted that I am extremely immature and I embraced SpongeBob. I love everything that this character represents. I think I find earnestness hilarious. And SpongeBob is earnestness spongified.

You know when sometimes the magic of the television show doesn’t really survive when the property is made into a feature film? The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie isn’t one of those sad cases. It delivers the hilarity of the television shows, makes it bigger and adds Jeffrey Tambor (Hellboy), Scarlet Johansson (The Island) and the Hoff – in his full, furry, Baywatch outfitted, live action glory.

And of course, there’s Plankton voiced by Mr. Lawrence. I irrationally adore the microscopic evil of Plankton and the genius of Mr. Lawrence. In fact, I love Plankton so much my daughter bought me a Plankton doll to tuck me in at night.

See what I mean about being immature?

It turns out SpongeBob grapples with the same issue during this great film. Is he a bubble-blowing baby or is he a grown up?

SpongeBob embarks on a hero’s journey to find King Neptune’s crown (Tambor), and along the way encounters violent bikers, sea monsters and a hired killer named Dennis played by the world’s greatest actor Alec Baldwin (Beetlejuice).

The result is surreal, childish entertainment. My favourite.

Embrace your inner bubble-blowing baby, and watch this movie.

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87 minutes

Rated PG for some mild crude humor including an all-nude Patrick