iSteve (2013)

“You can all suck my iDick.”

*

What the hell? What the hell, man? What. The. Hell?

I’ve just finished watching iSteve on Funny or Die and my jaw is locked in shocked disbelief. Maybe slight outrage. Embarrassment. Slight dizziness. Dry mouth. Also shame.

First you take some shitty wigs, like a huge garbage bag full of used, shitty wigs … find scriptwriters who did all of their research about Apple’s co-founder from watching Steve Jobs’ keynote speeches on YouTube, facts about Jobs that they overheard from semi-literate morons’ conversations at Starbucks, and things they found in the ditch.

Then they got drunk, and stoned on LSD …and maybe a punchbowl full of angel dust. The resultant permanent brain damage resulted in the script for iSteve.

I’ve taken the liberty of jotting down a few things we squeaked out while site co-writer Hacker Renders and I were watching, in twisting discomfort:

• “Abomination.”
• “Wuh-why?”
• “How was this not… even accidentally better?”
• “No. No… no.”
• “Where do I press die? How do I vote die? Where is the die?”
• And then, “What the hell? What?”

About a 1,000 years ago, I started my career in technology journalism. I sat beside Bill Gates at a press conference once – he was rocking back and forth, something I later came to understand was his ‘interested’ body language. I have Scott McNealy’s hockey card. And I met Steve Jobs during his exile from Apple during the NeXT Computer days.

(I wish I could go back and be really, really excited about meeting those computing giants now, but at the time, I had stories to file).

I picked up a thing or two about the history of the personal computer along the way. I read me some books. I watched me some documentaries. I was there when Bill Gates talked about the Road Ahead and predicted a world where television programs could be watched on demand, wherever and whenever we wanted, and the majority of our transactions would be conducted online, or by zapping funds electronically at each other.

I watched iSteve when and where I wanted, on demand, off of the ARPANET’s bastard child. Now I say, what has the future wrought? What?

You see, the actual historical facts, and REALITY ITSELF chafed at me while watching this debacle.

Like a Drunk History of Silicon Valley or as Hacker Renders aptly pointed out, a biography of Steve Jobs broken down a la Star Wars plot broken down by clueless girl not a single moment makes a lick of sense. Not a lick of an apple-printed LSD tab bit of sense.

It was Hacker Renders’ suggestion we lose 80 minutes of our existence to this, this… this garbage bag full of shitty wigs …this black turtleneck filled putrescent “Jamba Juice” of unhistory.

I have noted Hacker Renders’ formal apology.

Justin Long, I love you. I will forget this dark blot on your personal history by watching your performance in Zack and Miri Make A Porno to cleanse my brain palette.

To conclude, I borrow a line from Steve “iSteve” Jobs dialogue in the film, “Embarrassing? You are embarrassing me.”

*

80 minutes

Unrated