Five Movies I Should Love But Really Don’t

Just as there are secret loves, I suppose it’s only natural to have secret hates. Or not so secret, perhaps, when you post them a blog.

I could be wrong about these picks. I want to be wrong about them. I’d rather enjoy — or at least appreciate — everything I consume. It’s happened before, where I “came around” at some point after multiple tries. The opposite, too, where I suddenly loathed a standby (hello, Heathers).

Some of what follows were grinds, repeated attempts; some were unpleasant surprises. In every case, I had heightened expectations for one reason or another. Perhaps my appreciation for a legendary script, the source material, the approach, or simple nostalgia.

Alas, in every case, I was also deeply disappointed. So on further reflection, consider this list one of disappointment more than hatred. Fingers crossed I might learn to tolerate them.

Chinatown (1974)

* *

“I watched it — or tried to — twice in the past. With this third attempt, I’m finished. I gave it its chances, completed it, and have already packed it in storage. After I’m done with this writing, I expect I won’t think about it anytime soon . . . I’m open to being convinced I’m wrong, as with The Godfather and Unforgiven, but only if it means I don’t actually have to re-watch this piece again.”

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

* *

“By the end I was left still baffled by its phenomenal success. I’m not ashamed to admit I do not get it. Both the character and her vehicle, make it difficult, nearly impossible, to appreciate either one. Two stars are what I generally give to something wasting my time, just about right for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.”

Heathers (1988)

* *

“Heathers is overwrought, pretentious, plodding, and overlong. At so many levels, in so many ways, it’s relentlessly unpleasant: the story, its writing, the delivery, and the intercut style of editing. Even the obtrusive synthetic score grated and bothered me. If it has a point, it has been delivered in such a misguided scattershot manner that nothing makes a significant impact, and will just as likely irritate in trying too hard.”

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

* *

“I’ve been cheated out of a valuable hour and a half by The NeverEnding Story. I imagine it was little different from watching a troupe of emotionally precarious children, each given some puppets and a dose of LSD, and thrown from a mountain top. To claim this effort is intended for children belies one’s toxic view of them. Having seen it through to its merciful end, I know its likeliest function is as punishment.”

The Triplets of Belleville (2003)

* *

“Cinephiles pay tribute to the charms of originality, but be careful what you wish for. Sometimes ‘original’ is creepy and unpleasant . . . Triplets of Belleville’s relentless eccentricity never quite negates the boredom.”

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Dishonourable Mentions:
Ever After (1998) by Hacker Renders on 2012/02/15
Gremlins (1984) by Hacker Renders on 2011/12/03